I don't have to be her anymore.

I don't have to be her anymore.
The one who can dance, the one who can sing, the one who knows everything,
the one who must have a grip of her life.
I don't.

She was talented, whatever she picks up and sets her mind to do, she'll do it very well.
Not out of passion, but out of a spirit of excellence, a commitment that she silently made to herself.
There's no wrong in that, it's normal, she was just a kid.
Pleasing people, especially people whom she respected and look up to, it's natural.
She took up many skills, but the more she grew up, the more confused she became.

The constant question in her diary was always...
"What am I doing this for?
Why am I doing this?
I don't like myself.."

It feels like her sound mind only works when she's alone
because when she's back in the crowd, back in the community,
she's a "Yes, Ma'am" kind of person.

And the cycle continues.

She doesn't really hate her life, she doesn't really hate herself, she's just trying to figure out what went wrong. She doesn't hate the people that told her to do things or 'used' her, she knew that part of the responsibility was hers.
She didn't know how to say 'no'
because she doesn't know what she wants.

There's no wrong in her, there's no wrong in others,
she's just growing, she's just starting to learn new things about herself and the people around her. She's not bad, she's not wicked, she's not hard to predict,
she's just trying to figure out who she is,
and that's where confusing messages start to surround her.
She learnt to live with misunderstanding but also growing in communicating where she's really at.

She's growing, she's learning.

I don't have to be her anymore.
I don't have to constantly accept what people say about me.
I don't have to say yes to things that don't align with who I am.
I don't have to be harsh when I say no,
I don't have to take responsibility for the person's reaction or response to my 'no'.
I just have to say what is in my heart,
I just have to be honest.

I've been thinking a lot, I've been unlearning a lot.
I've been learning to stop striving and proving to myself that I'm worthy.
I've stopped and quieted down my confused heart.
I've been honest to myself, and I don't want to be her anymore.

I want to be honestly me.
I want to be who I really am.
There's no standard out there that defines me,
there's no person out there who knows me more than myself,
there's no 'there',
there's only the 'here & now'.

I was given the gift to define my 'now'.
I can't change my past, nor can I enter into the future by not going through 'now'.
I'm here, breathing and learning each day that I can be authentically me.

I don't want to be her anymore.
I want to just be.

It's time to let go.
To loosen my grip and explore who I am.
To learn new things about myself.
To see what are my wants & needs.
To understand my desires & dislikes.

There's no shame,
there are no 'must-haves',
there's nothing out there.
It's all inside.

The courage to dig deeper with God, to see my weaknesses as it is with Him.
He will reveal, but not to shame me, but to remind me that He has paid the price for it,
and everything is okay.
I don't have to strive.

Every time when I see how sinful and weak I am,
He turns my gaze towards who He is and what He has done.
Encountering His true mercy by admitting my weakness one step at a time.

Realistic expectations.
I don't want to be her anymore,
I don't have to be her anymore.
I am.