Pauper No More • Stand Up

"A pauper is born into insignificance. As he grows up he learns through life that he has no value and his opinions don't really matter. Therefore, when he becomes a king, he is important to the world around him but he still feels insignificant in the kingdom that lies within him. Subsequently, he doesn't watch his words or the way he carries himself. He ultimately destroys the very people he is called to lead. You, my [daughter], are a pauper who has become a king." - The Supernatural Ways of Royalty (p. 18)

I Repent

I'm Sorry

Please Forgive Me

I'm just going to be really honest and vulnerable in this blog post.

I'm sorry to all the people who have once cared and loved me and still are.

In the past, I always put the blame on my friends and family whenever I feel left out, rejected, unwanted etc.

But recently God showed me that the problem was not them, but me.

He revealed to me that I've been rejecting people, always pushing them away. 

Some left, but there are those who are still by my side - yet I still did not allow any of them into my heart.

God showed me very clearly how I reject people and in turn hurt their feelings.

I always thought that I loved people, but He showed me that to love people you not only give, but you must receive. Not responding and rejecting a person's love towards you means you are rejecting that person the permission to be a part of your life. And people will eventually stop trying because I was being so persistent in my rejection. 

Let's be honest here, who would like to hang out with a person who always rejects and prefers being alone but then later throws a tantrum saying that they are always being left out and lonely - yours truly right here is that very person who always does that, and you reading this post might be one of the victims. Please accept my sincere apologies and forgive me for I was blind, but thank God now I see!

God spoke, and I wept

God showed me the root problem - from the moment my father passed away, I unconsciously made a decision to never love again, because I fear to go through the same pain of losing someone I love and cared dearly again.

22nd Nov 2016, Monday

I listened to Kris Vallotton's "The Process of Belonging" again

Lo and behold this prayer pierced my heart

God is bigger than any person's ability to hurt me

I will not let hurt steal my life

I will love again

I will trust again

I will be vulnerable

I will be authentic

I will not let shame imprison me

I will not live in an ice castle

I was born to live in covenant

I was born to be a part of a community

I was born to have ownership of a people

I'm in a family of God

Amen

So it's true, "hurting people, hurt people", and the worst thing about it is that the person who is hurting don't realize what they're doing.

When I'm rejecting people, I'm not only harsh on people who cared for me but also to myself.

Through a season of pain and suffering, the very thing a person needs is to get all the love, care and attention they can get, and that was the very thing I rejected but needed so badly.

Rejecting to receive love was torturing me and most of the time I numb myself by running away (usually in the form of missing in action from a certain place or group of friends) for a while and come back when I think I'm feeling better, but because of not realizing the root problem the cycle continues.

Praise the Lord that I have Holy Spirit as my best friend!

Holy Spirit brought me through this season without me knowing and revealed everything to me.

And now I realize that sometimes in your greatest fear you might find the very antidote that solves the issue.

Just like the venom of the snake becomes a part of the antivenom. 

In other words, if fear is a venom, which means that the solution is hidden in the very fear I'm facing - so I should face my fears head on!

As I talked to a sister in Christ today who also went through the pain of losing her father at a very young age, she shared to me how God has helped her and brought her through the season. And then I realized that I've been entrapped by the orphan spirit (always think that nobody wants, cares or loves me, that I must be independent and go through life alone) all this while. 

Praise Jesus the moment I was brought into this family

I'm no longer an orphan

I'm no longer a slave

I belong to a family that loves me

He has already chosen people who will walk through this season with me

If I really want to be free from this pain once and for all, I must be very vulnerable and start trusting the family in Christ that God has given me.

Intimacy: 
Into Me You See

Beautiful:
Be You Till The Full

- Kris Vallotton

In this walk of freedom, 

I must be strong and courageous 

to trust, love and open up myself once again!

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises you made

As Your love in wave after wave

Crashes over me, Crashes over me

For You are for us, You are not against us

Champion of Heaven You made a way for all to enter in

God, I Trust You With My Life

Pauper No More

Stand Up and Roar